Thursday, April 11, 2013

Day 15: Sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing, are the same thing...

I had to turn down an opportunity today.  I didn't like making the choice and by that I mean that I REALLY wanted to partake but I also ABSOLUTELY knew it was not the right thing to do so, in general.

I have failed at this choice many times. I usually falter and fumble and rationalize so that I can go for instant gratification.  I did not fail in making that choice today.  I felt stronger in a way, but felt very, very sad at the same time.  I think this is the oddest feeling.

I suppose I would have liked to have done what would have made me feel better immediately.  But I would have not liked myself very much later, had I made a different choice.

Wish it wasn't like that.  In many things it is not difficult for me to choose in this way.  But in this one thing it is very, very difficult.  So difficult that no matter how much part of me knew what I "should" do, I didn't ever do that during the past 4 years or so. I fight with myself a lot in this thing..and usually I lose...or I win, depending upon the perspective chosen, I suppose.  It is complicated.  Or maybe I just make it that way...

Today was bittersweet, indeed.

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