As has been said by others MANY times, It is what it is..Until we change it

Since my last entry, I have managed to lose and gain the same ten pounds repeatedly.  If it would have been just losing, I would have met my goal by now.  But I suppose there is a lesson to be learned along the way.  I always seem to need to learn any life lesson the hard way.  Even though that is not my intention.

When I make decisions to do something about a personal situation, I tend to second guess myself into defeat.  Well, now that I have recognized that I truly do this.  I think that I possibly need to find the way to ultimately stop behaving in this manner.  Until I am able to figure this out and truly change the way I behave, I will not be who I know that I can be, and who I want to be.

I have a good sense of intuition, unless that intuition tells me what I do not want to know or acknowledge, personally.  Then I make excuses to myself as to why what I know, is just not quite so.  But it is...  It really is exactly what I feel about 99.9 percent of the time. And in that percentage of time..whatever "it" really is..is usually NOT what that small child like part of me wants "it" to be.

So I will admit that this instant gratification needing, distraction seeking, attention draining, approval needing child like part of me horns her way into the decision making part of my brain and I totally allow her to attempt to have the illusion of controlling particular situations that cannot be truly controlled...or that shouldn't be controlled and should be left to follow the natural course of being.  As well at deciding to ignore important matters that need attending because they are enormously difficult and/or painful.

All this leads to very poor personal decisions, on my part, a great deal of the time.  Funny that I do not do this when my friends or children ask for advice.  There is no second guessing.  No excuses. No slanting of the truth of matters.  Only happens with personal choices for myself.

That child like part of me needs to be attended to so that she will not keep trying to fits square pegs into round holes at a great cost to myself along the way.  She needs to know her place.  I am figuring it out, and it is a bit painful.   I am no longer that child, although I have somehow kept her with me, quietly, for many years.  She has been coddled until she is unruly and she needs to go home.


As I am reading this, it sounds just a little nuts.  But then maybe I am..just a little.  If one does not fully acknowledge and address a problem, it cannot be fixed.

It is, what it is..for now..but it is my hope and desire, that this will soon be changed into something good for my life.

Day 18...Good thoughts on a peaceful Sunday...

Worked till late last night and then went grocery shopping with all my kids, those that are grown and out on their own as well as the youngest still at home.  That would allow me to have today for relaxing with my youngest child and preparing for the week to come.  It was 1 am when we got in so off to bed, I went.

Last night, at work, I was waiting on some customers and I got a pleasant surprise. When I was young and in a toxic marriage, my now ex-husband met a christian lay counselor in jail for one of his many alcohol fueled behaviors.  He really admired her at the time and was willing to meet with her and take some much needed advice and wanted me to meet with her as well.  I really liked her style and her ability to reach out and really connect with people. She was absolutely non judgmental and was very willing to share her past journey with those she wished to help.  She had a lot of resources and she was passionate about helping people better themselves and overcome adversity.  She did so much and she did it out of her love for others.  She never got paid, financially, for the many, many hours of her time that she gave to others.  She believed in the underdog. I liked that.

It started out with my idea of her, helping me, change him.  Through her we learned about AA, NA and ALANON. Her door was open at 4 a.m. if it was needed, and sometimes it was needed.  The ex soon grew weary of all the work and drifted off into his old comfortable, and self destructive ways.  But she and I formed a friendship of sorts.  We would meet for coffee or she would come to my home to have some coffee and see how I was doing more times that I could count.  We would talk about so many things for hours and hours sometimes.  She would suggest books for me to read that opened my mind and changed my views about myself and the world.    Instead of helping me change my, then, husband the situation became ended her helping me be stronger and eventually helping me to see that the only person I could actually change is me, and that I, indeed, needed some changing.

Although it took a really, really long time for me to get past the head knowledge and be able to accept and act on some things.  She taught me a great deal.  Some of it I was starving to learn and some of it I was not ready for but always held in my remembrance.  I sometimes fought and was stubborn.  But she never gave up on believing in me and what she thought I was capable of.  She was kind of like a wise surrogate mom, but had the ability to be removed from emotional investment.  I think that is a good combination.  She could be kind and gentle, but she tried to hold me to the line or at least guide me back in the direction of the line when I had stumbled out too far into deep roving right field.  I didn't always appreciate that at the time, but I have come to be so grateful for that as time went on.

I had not been in touch with her for the past 6 years. She moved out of state and my life changed in other directions.  I would see her out and about for several years before that and we would speak about where each of us were. Time was short and I always thought that I could have a longer conversation with her later.

I had never really thanked her for all her time and care.  Last night I was working with my oldest daughter and so I was able to spend a little time with this wonderful person last night.  I was able to actually thank her and tell her how greatly she had touched my life.  She was very pleased.  That made me feel very pleased, as well.

This lady was one of those people that helped changed my life in a wonderfully profound way.  My journey is still evolving.  Sometimes I slip backwards and sideways, but I am not where I once was.  Not at all.  For that I am grateful.  This was the first person, outside of my grandmother, (who was, after all my grandmother and is supposed to believe in me), to tell me that I needed to realize I could be more than I thought I was.  That I had power within myself to make my life what I wanted it to be.  That I was good and that I deserved good things.  This woman helped me get to this place, now, (which is a much better place than I was then..scary thought, I know) and her influence will continue to help me for the rest of my journey.

People such as her are found few and far between and are so very precious.
  

Day 16...It is late at night and I really wanna go to bed...

Wow.  I am actually really sleepy and have been for a couple hours, but I had things to finish before I can get to bed.  Writing here being the last thing.  Been up since 5 a.m. and got a lot of what I had planned accomplished for the day.  That is good!  I have eaten well and been active and enjoyed this day completely.  That is the short and sweet tale for the day.  I am off to beddie bye ;)

Day 15: Sometimes the right thing and the hardest thing, are the same thing...

I had to turn down an opportunity today.  I didn't like making the choice and by that I mean that I REALLY wanted to partake but I also ABSOLUTELY knew it was not the right thing to do so, in general.

I have failed at this choice many times. I usually falter and fumble and rationalize so that I can go for instant gratification.  I did not fail in making that choice today.  I felt stronger in a way, but felt very, very sad at the same time.  I think this is the oddest feeling.

I suppose I would have liked to have done what would have made me feel better immediately.  But I would have not liked myself very much later, had I made a different choice.

Wish it wasn't like that.  In many things it is not difficult for me to choose in this way.  But in this one thing it is very, very difficult.  So difficult that no matter how much part of me knew what I "should" do, I didn't ever do that during the past 4 years or so. I fight with myself a lot in this thing..and usually I lose...or I win, depending upon the perspective chosen, I suppose.  It is complicated.  Or maybe I just make it that way...

Today was bittersweet, indeed.

Day 14..I am still on the path..just took a little detour..

It has been almost a week since I have blogged.  I had a family crisis that took all my attention and all my energy to put into correct perspective and feel as if it is being righted.  The panic attacks have now subsided.  I and my child are relatively safe for the moment...high alert time is over.  It could have been much, much worse.  There are on going legal issues pertaining to the situation, so I will leave the description at that.

And although I was almost overwhelmingly tempted at one point, I did not fall back into old familiar behavioral shoes in an attempt to cope with the discomfort of the situation. I didn't really believe I was going to be able to do that at one point. But I did.  I also did not allow my internal dialogue to beat myself to smithereens about the whole thing.  It feels strange to do things so differently.  But it feels good.  I also did not gain weight, but did not lose weight.

So I will take the situation as a learning experience and I will appreciate it.

Back on the path, I go....

Day 8 Wally World..Ugh!

Good day, over all.  Busy, that is usually a given.  Went shopping with the oldest daughter after work this evening.  She had a bit of extensive shopping to do..me...not so much.  I was more there to give opinion on patio furniture for her and pick up some fresh veggies.  We finally make it to the checkout. She goes first and as she is getting near the end of her transaction, I place my meager 8 produce items on the belt.  As I do so a nicely dressed fellow and his young daughter come up behind me in line and lay their items on top of mine.  Ok..he is probably in a hurry tending the child, not paying attention.  So I just move my stuff up the belt.  The cashier is checking me though and I move up to take my bag off the carousel. I turn back to pay the cashier and this fellow is almost right up against me.  Really?  I turned and he just looked me dead in the eyes.  If this guy was any closer  it might have been considered an intimate encounter.  So I smile and say "Excuse me, I need to pay for my purchase."  And he smiles back..but doesn't move.  His little girl is now at our legs looking up between daddy and me. Ok...so I smile down at the little girl and just step back toward the middle of the bag carousel and turn to the cashier and ask for my total, I'll just pay from there. I'll just use cash so I won't need access to the debit reader...  As I am digging in my purse for my cash, I can feel breath at my neck, literally..the guy moved on up right behind me again.  If I move any further away from this register, I might be accused of attempting to leave with my items without paying for them.

I turn my head look back at the fellow with raised eyebrow and questioning glance now.  He smiles, but never blinks looking straight at me.  The cashier is just looking uncomfortably at him and then at me.  I just move to the very end of the bag carousel and pay across it, get my change and go.  I did not look back.

The people of Wally World are strange and sometimes rude....yes they are.  I could have been an ass, myself, and refused to pay and move on until he moved back a decent amount of space and let me pay.  This thought crossed my mind.  But, I didn't.  I just did what I had to do so I could just get out of there.

Does anyone have a modicum of manners anymore?  The longer I live the more I wonder...

    

Day 7 Digging a little deeper

Had some appointments today and spent the early part of the day with my older children and youngest grand child.  My youngest child had a great day, which always makes momma's day feel better.  Was a good day, over all.  I have also been digging a little deeper into why I do what I do, or rather, why I have done those things I have done which are generally not the healthiest things for me.  Not always the most pleasant or easiest thing to do..but needs done.  I need to be honest with myself and then lay it to rest.  I sometimes feel shocked at myself, but am figuring me out.

Now attempting to do such things usually sends me running to some horribly unhealthy food items to avoid dealing wholly with uncomfortable stuff.  Did I manage to keep from doing that this evening?  Almost.  I did eat 5 oreos and 4 oz of skim milk.  Not the greatest thing.  But not the whole package, which would have been typical behavior in the past. I was still within my plan as far as caloric intake for the day..just probably not the best nutrition value..ahem..

Other than that, I did ok today.  I am still trying to get better organized with consistent exercise.  That is difficult right now.  But I will continue on and get it figured out.

It is not as easy to get on track as it once was in my life.  But it is worth it to keep going even if it sometimes feels overwhelming...It will be manageable and it will pass...

Early day in the a.m...bed