Stranglehold

Well...I am just sitting here with the kid.  She is sick, unfortunately.  I don't know which is worse, when she is having behavioral issues or physical ones.  Both worry momma and wear her out some days.

I cannot fix either, but I certainly attempt to control both.  And the truth is that I cannot really control them..but still, I try.  

Fear..fear of losing her..although she is only mine on loan.  

Fear of failing..which I am most certainly doing if I define success as me having any influence on the outcomes of these obstacles.

Fear that where I am currently is where I am gonna remain.  And I think the very fear of that keeps me right here.

Fear has me grasping at straws and sliding down the haystack flat on my face.

But that is because I allow it to.

I have lived the consequences of negative outcomes of experiences.  So I tried to be smarter and think way ahead of possible scenarios and make decisions now that might keeping the worst case things from happening.

Sometimes that has been a good and wise thing to do.  But like many things, I have taken that concept and ran with it until all my choices and thoughts and wonderings have to do with "what if" until I find myself wondering about every little possible thing all the time.

So I find myself internally panicked when my kid is in pain in her current situation.  I am good at hiding it most times.  Sometimes she perceives I am not in least concerned which irks her 16 year old ego.  Oh no child, I am looking off in the distance running out every possible scenario of what this pain might mean today. And some of that is down right scary, indeed.  But what I do is put a smile on my face and say, "Let's wait and see", "The doc has some things lined up"  "We're getting there, just hang on", "Just a few more days", "It'll be ok"

I am such a liar, because that is NOT what I am thinking.  I am thinking, "She is in more pain" "What if her bowel ruptures and I didn't get her somewhere before it did"  "What if shes get peritonitis because of it" "What if she suffers horribly and then dies" "Why can't I make this doc see that we should be moving a little quicker, here"

Yeah, I have gotten out there..really.  A week more of this and my house will look like we are heading to Hoarderville, USA.  If I don't stop this continual fearful dialogue going on in my noggin, I am gonna completely freeze up my thought processes until I fail my classes, with only a week to go for this term.  I got finals to attend to.  School is one of the very few things I do to give myself hope for a better future.  It is important to me, as a person.  So I have to regroup here and get real. 

Because the reality is I have taken her to all the doc's I can.  Things are moving towards finding out what is exactly going on and what to do about it.  I have done, and I am doing all that there is humanly possible to do from my position.

But it is mighty difficult prying my tightly, rigidly fixed fingers loose.  As Ted Nugent sang, I got this in a Stranglehold.  But find a way to let go and keep moving forward, I must.  The only thing I need to do right now is to willingly, truly let go and then busy myself to keep from re-grabbing and Know that He is God and He's got this.