Since my last entry, I have managed to lose and gain the same ten pounds repeatedly. If it would have been just losing, I would have met my goal by now. But I suppose there is a lesson to be learned along the way. I always seem to need to learn any life lesson the hard way. Even though that is not my intention.
When I make decisions to do something about a personal situation, I tend to second guess myself into defeat. Well, now that I have recognized that I truly do this. I think that I possibly need to find the way to ultimately stop behaving in this manner. Until I am able to figure this out and truly change the way I behave, I will not be who I know that I can be, and who I want to be.
I have a good sense of intuition, unless that intuition tells me what I do not want to know or acknowledge, personally. Then I make excuses to myself as to why what I know, is just not quite so. But it is... It really is exactly what I feel about 99.9 percent of the time. And in that percentage of time..whatever "it" really is..is usually NOT what that small child like part of me wants "it" to be.
So I will admit that this instant gratification needing, distraction seeking, attention draining, approval needing child like part of me horns her way into the decision making part of my brain and I totally allow her to attempt to have the illusion of controlling particular situations that cannot be truly controlled...or that shouldn't be controlled and should be left to follow the natural course of being. As well at deciding to ignore important matters that need attending because they are enormously difficult and/or painful.
All this leads to very poor personal decisions, on my part, a great deal of the time. Funny that I do not do this when my friends or children ask for advice. There is no second guessing. No excuses. No slanting of the truth of matters. Only happens with personal choices for myself.
That child like part of me needs to be attended to so that she will not keep trying to fits square pegs into round holes at a great cost to myself along the way. She needs to know her place. I am figuring it out, and it is a bit painful. I am no longer that child, although I have somehow kept her with me, quietly, for many years. She has been coddled until she is unruly and she needs to go home.
As I am reading this, it sounds just a little nuts. But then maybe I am..just a little. If one does not fully acknowledge and address a problem, it cannot be fixed.
It is, what it is..for now..but it is my hope and desire, that this will soon be changed into something good for my life.
