Beautiful morning today. Sun is shining and the air is cool and crisp. I love the fall. I had planned a fairly leisurely morning before work today. I usually am up at the butt crack of dawn and continue an insanely hectic pace until midnight or so most days. I had gotten most things attended to earlier in the week so I thought I would spend this morning reflecting and planning some new work outs for the coming week before heading to work.
As I have heard said, the best laid plans are often laid to waste. Yes, they are, some days. The kid was up in the night with tummy problems so I knew that she would be home today. Still good. Means I can sleep a little later. And I did. But at 9 this morning, as I was literally putting my feet on the carpet, my son calls and needs me to run some errands for him. Ok..let me think..call ya back. Then as I make it to the bathroom, phone still in hand..oldest daughter calls from a gas station. She has run out of gas coming back from taking the grandson to school and she left her debit card at home and has no cash.
OK..I have had no coffee. I am looking over at my youngest in jammies and needing a dressing change and meds. I am now aggravated. I am not particularly practicing self control at this particular minute and begin my little diatribe on previous conversations we have had about the foolishness of allowing one's gas tank to fall below a quarter of a tank and how doing such will create problems with the fuel pump later.
I love my oldest daughter. She understands me so well. She says, "Mom...I love you. I will be here waiting." She knows that I am coming. I am just momentarily insane and that I should just shut up.
So I get the kid ready and throw on clothes and jump in the car and get it done. I apologize to the oldest girl for my idiocy when I get to the gas station. She hugs me and says it's alright. She understands.
As I am driving home I remembered my dad speaking to me the same way. He always took care of everything. He was good at that. I often wondered how he did, some days. But I remember many times when I goofed something up and needed bailed out, he would give me the same type of little speech about how I should have not needed the help, before he helped.
I realize that I have become my parent. And although I understand the reasoning of this behavior. I don't like that I do it. I think it is possible that having experienced that with my dad has helped me think that I need to control everything all the time and I experience a great deal of anxiety because one cannot control everything. I don't think that is what he wanted me to feel. He just wanted me to think ahead a bit and plan for things. Somehow I have taken that to the extreme.
I don't want my children to feel that they have to control everything. I suppose it is at least good that I recognize it and try to explain myself to my kids.
Just thinking.
